There are so many ways I could describe my 2019-2020 winter season. (ISOC plus visits to Auckland NZ, Eagle River and Valcourt). This one challenged me. I love a good challenge, but this one broke me down in ways it’s taken me a few weeks to gather my thoughts on since the season got cut short.
Almost all of what you see on my social media is work stuff sprinkled with the fun stuff.
But racing is family, so I’m going to spill my heart here. Hope that’s ok.
Duluth. The famed official kickoff to the Amsoil Championship Snocross season. This began with a road trip home from Indy back to my native Minnesota to celebrate turkey day.
Thanksgiving was low-key this year. My entire immediate family had just returned home from a seven-day cruise a few days prior. Dress code: sweat pants. Extra stretchy. In my family, my parents have always celebrated holidays together. For those who don’t know, my parents are divorced. My mom remarried to Corey who is the best stepdad a kid could ask for. I’ve always been thankful for this and never once taken it for granted.
In fact, the three of them have become great friends over the years. That’s not to say it was always easy, but they set their differences aside. Mom and Corey have been some of the biggest caretakers and supporters of Dad throughout his cancer journey. We’ve jokingly referred to my three parents as the “parenting team”. I’m damn proud of this.
Upon our return, Dad starts to go downhill again. Though never ideal, the roller coaster of cancer is something we’ve grown accustomed to. He did manage to make it over to mom’s house for a Thanksgiving meal. After he left I decided to head north for Duluth for our annual all-staff meeting with my heart and my tummy both full.
The snowfall in the forecast added to the already highly anticipated ISOC season opener. We got hit with the biggest snowfall in nine years. If you live in the upper midwest … oofta. That is a lot of pow. So much that the unthinkable happened for our sport. On day two of the three-day weekend, we were forced to cancel due to limited visibility. Officials could not see a rider 10 feet in front of them, nor were fans able to safely get to the event. Absolutely unreal.
I packed up and headed south to Indy the next morning. Of course, not without having to shovel my truck out from under a few feet of snow and my friend Alex Fortune there to laugh with me, not at me (or is it the other way around? lol) Thankfully, my buddy Jeff Cottew (Cottew Motorsports) had a shop just outside of town in Superior, WI where he had snow blades handy. He graciously tended to the hotel parking lot. He was able to hook up to my little Colorado and pull me out with ease. We don’t deserve you, Jeff!
A nine hour and 45-minute drive turned into over 12 hours thanks to the road conditions and truck trouble, but I finally made it home shortly after midnight. I’m no stranger to late night drives home from a race track. Nonetheless, I was relived and excited to be in my own bed.
I get out of the shower and ready for bed when I was given the news that Mom called. Dad was back in the hospital. Not the typical low on fluids or blood, but this time, due to some alarming memory-related issues. Turns out, cancer had made it’s way to his brain. The latest rounds of chemo had been ineffective. We were told we had a couple of weeks.
A moment I thought I had braced myself for. Turns out, there is no preparing for a moment like that. I’m not ready to be without Dad.
By 10am the next morning, back on a flight back to Minnesota. We go immediately to the hospital where he is elated to see us. Physically, he’s doing alright- struggling with short term memory and putting words together. The relief I felt to arrive at the hospital was quickly undermined by the weight of realization that this was really happening.
He would find himself repeating things and not realizing it, especially when it came to things that brought him joy.
A few days prior, my first sideline reporting gig with the CBS Sports Network aired. Pro Watercross World Championships in Naples, FL. He was beyond proud. He would tell every one that entered the room about it. Sometimes, multiple times. He would do the same for my two siblings. This simultaneously warmed your heart yet shattered it to pieces.
The doctors started him on a steroid to bring down the swelling in his brain. This made a huge difference in his cognitive function. We were faced with the option to continue treatment or forego it and turn to palliative care and hospice. We talked things through with him, the team from Minnesota Oncology, his parents, sister, and us kids. Weighing risk versus benefit, we opted for the latter considering treatment wouldn’t give him time nor quality of life. It was the strangest adjustment knowing no more emergency hospital trips. No more treatment. No more searching for answers. Just acceptance and a focus on comfort.
The Hardest Day Of My Life
It was time to discharge him from the hospital and into a care center. He was getting out! With any hospital stay prior, it was a breath of fresh air, optimism and a relief. This one wasn’t too far off, but still slightly different know we were’t bringing him home. Without giving him, myself or anyone else false hope, I knew that hospice care isn’t always the end. I personally know people who have been given a short timeline, only to rise up and recover. A small part of me thought he could actually go home one of these days. But he needed to regain some strength and independence first. A care center could provide the kind of 24-hour care that myself and my family were not capable of.
Assisted living and nursing home availability were extremely hard to come by. Especially those that were under $500/day. We found an open room not far from Mom’s place so that we could easily go visit any time. It was nice, but had we known exactly how long he had, we would have spared no expense. Alas, the doctors could not determine a timeline at this point, nor could my family afford to give him the best of the best that he deserved. We made do with what we had knowing full well that time spent with him was paramount.
We get him to his room and it became apparent that he was confused as to why he wasn’t home. He thought he was going home like all of the times before. It hit us that though he agreed and seemed fully understanding of our discussions earlier in the week, that this may not have been the case. Did he understand and then forget? Did he ever understand? Those who have had loved ones battle dementia or alzheimer’s, this may be an all-too-familiar scenario.
We had a meeting with hospice upon arrival and he had a guard up, often giving no response or one-word answers. We and hospice kept asking what can be done to make him more comfortable. To which he would reply he would be more comfortable in his own bed. He did not realize that his current health didn’t allow him to have the independence he had before.
To see his eyes well when he would politely say he would be more comfortable in his own home completely, utterly, entirely broke me. All he wanted was to be home and I couldn’t give him that.
Did we make the right choice? Can we get him out of here? Am I and my siblings able to be full-time caretakers from his home? I’ve never felt more helpless. Rationality told me that we made the right choice. My heart kept telling me otherwise. That was painstaking to grapple with.
Not a day went by that I didn’t visit him when I was home. As painful as these times were, I cherish them. He needed me there. I needed to be with him. The move brought him an onslaught of depression. He wouldn’t leave his room, hardly ate and some days hardly spoke. It was a world he did not want to be in any longer. After what he’s been through, I didn’t blame him for a damn second.
A little more than a week into his stay, he had a surge of physical energy and mental clarity. He, Mom, and I went for a walk around the facility, getting him out of his room for the first time since arriving. Feeling ambitious, he tried to take some steps without his walker. We joked, drank coffee, walked around and ended up in a sitting area with a piano where I rifled off 1980’s ballads and Baptist hymns. What a combination. The few hours we spent out of the room wore him out, so we walked him back to his room where he took a much needed nap.
We would later come to realize that this was a rally, or terminal lucidity. In the days before death, one can experience a surge of energy that can last a few hours or even a couple days. I’ll never forget that day. The last day I would have with “Dad.” His soul came back to him for those hours.
I say it like that because during this time I had began the mourning process of Dad as I knew him for my 26 years leading up to this point. I knew full-well that his soul had already left his body. I was coming to terms with this, as hard as it was. It was the inevitable. The work that was to be done was an act of love to make his final days as loving and comfortable as they could be. My sole purpose was to make sure he knew that he is far from alone through this. It was a beautiful, intimate thing. Being able to usher him through this time was an honor of a lifetime.
Fargo
The next day, I had told him that I was leaving for Fargo for Snocross. I promised I would visit him as soon as I got back. I hugged him, said I love you, and headed back to Mom’s house to pack my things for the weekend. While I was there waiting for my coworker and friend, Ted, to pick me up, Mom and I decorated the Christmas tree. Something we contemplating not doing this year amid the craziness. Holiday cheer was the last things on our minds.
We had a long heart-to-heart chat (as we often do). This time, about my upcoming trip to New Zealand that had been booked months prior. Do I go? What if something happened? This is wildly important for work, but is it worth the risk? Why am I even considering going at a time like this? Mom, who was one of Dad’s primary caretakers, reminded me that Dad would want me to do this. Hospice had also alluded to that due to Dad’s physical state he would likely make it through Christmas. The decision of whether or not to go was not an easy one. I had the weekend to mull it over. Ted arrived and we jetted up to Glyndon, MN for the weekend.
What I learned that weekend is my ability to compartmentalize emotions. Boy, here was no shortage of them. The job requires a happy demeanor at all times and I’m no quitter. In a way, also being around my closest friends and doing what I love most was what my heart needed. I’m grateful for that.
From one wild weekend of Snocross in Duluth to the next. Time time, we faced blistery, sub-zero temps. It was a tough one, but we made it through! I was eager to get home and visit Dad Sunday night.
There was still time to back out of my New Zealand trip, but at this point I had decided to accept the risk and make it happen. Dad was sound asleep during my visit but that didn’t matter. I was so happy to be there next to him listening to him breathe. I didn’t have the heart to wake him as one of the drugs he was on caused insomnia. Strangely, he was out like a light and even sleep talked that night.
“It’s alright,” he said a couple of times.
Odd choice of words, so I thought. Something he’d often say when we’d offer to get or do something for him. He struggled with being taken care of at times! I later came to realize that this could have been a sweet sentiment of reassurance from he or something greater.
After about an hour, I got up to leave. It took me a few minutes to bring myself to open the door and step out. Trying not to wake him I silently bawled at the thought that this could be it. The last time I get to see my sweet dad. I walked over to him, leaned over, whispered, “I love you,”, adjusted his blanket to cover his feet up, and made my exit.
Down Under
The next day, I was on a flight home to Indy. The day after that, I was on a flight to Auckland- the furthest I’ve ever been from home. My mind and my heart were heavy, but we were able to have an incredible time taking in a new place. I made my maiden visit to the famed Western Springs Speedway. I was welcomed to join the announcing team: Macau, Nic, Graham and Craig for the broadcast of the Boxing Day Bash plus the pre and post-race show, Thursday Night Thunder. What an unforgettable night! I had the time of my life meeting racers from Australia and New Zealand as well as a reunion some of my Midget racing friends from the states. I’m looking forward to going back next year.
The trip ended a few days early when I got the text from Mom saying Dad was in his final ~72 hours. This came as no surprise. I immediately changed our flights to that afternoon. Our plane takes off and we’re in the air en route to our layover at LAX.
As soon as we got on wifi a text come through:
“We lost Cliff.”
I no longer have my dad here on Earth. Worse yet, I wasn’t there- a risk I had taken. It was a sobering 14 hours with nowhere to go and nothing to do but sit and process this. Yet another moment you think you’ve prepared yourself for, only to find that no such measures can prepare you for that moment. Absolutely defeated.
The Daytona Of Snocross
The week I returned home to help plan his celebration of life was also the week of Snocross at the nearby Canterburk Park. Always a season highlight, but this year was drastically different for me. My mind was simply elsewhere.
There are things in life that have a funny way of turning down the volume on everything else. This was one of them.
I did put myself together to go to work that Friday at the event. Once again, the entire team and everyone I ran into in the pits were so kind and gracious. I love this sport. One huge family. It’s always been my family, but this year redefined that. I love you guys.
That Saturday was the most beautiful celebration. The room overflowed with friends, family and co-workers of Dads. We laughed and told stories. My favorite was the one where he ate a handful of brownies at a party. (He always had quite the sweet tooth) Unbeknownst to him, they were, in fact, “laughing cakes” if you’re picking up what I’m putting down. I don’t know if everyone in the room fully understood what Uncle Brian was referring to when he told this story, but at any rate, it was hilarious. After the gathering, I went back to mom’s house, turned on some Disney+ and took a nap. I proceeded to watch A1 and Canterbury Snocross to end cap the day.
The next day, back to work. Quite honestly, it was easy on the soul to be there. Ted picked me up that morning and gave me a card. I opened it to find the entire Snocross team had signed it. My heart! I don’t deserve these amazing people.
World Championship Snowmobile Derby
I had a rare, and much needed, weekend off following Canterbury Snocross before heading up to Eagle River, WI for the WC Derby. I’ve been there a handful of years before as a producer, but this was my first time on the mic alongside my buddy and co-worker at Speed Shift TV, Chet Christner. (“Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages, it’s time to drop the hamma” man) The weather cooperated and it was a great time! Like Snocross, Ice Oval makes for a long day. I was wore out by the end of the third day. Looking forward to being back in 2021.
Deadwood, Dubuque, the FXR 2021 Fashion Show and Quebec
On to my old stomping grounds in South Dakota for the seventh and eighth rounds of ISOC. I’ve always loved this event. Historically warm weather paired with a tight track that brings out aggressive riding and a healthy crowd to fill the venue. My job that weekend allowed me to do my favorite part of my job that I don’t often get to do with this particular series – one-on-one note taking sessions with riders in preparation for the CBS shows. It was so great catching up with as many athletes as I could in preparation for the night show.
We saw a first podium for Pro Women’s Aleksa Zandstra, a first Pro Win on a Ski-Doo for Daniel Benham, and continued points dominance by Megan Brodeur (Pro Women) and Elias Ishoel (Pro). What a thrill to share those moments with these people!
This weekend was also the weekend my friend Jackie Riess and I launched our podcast, The Minne Moto Show. Click here to take a listen. Busy, busy.
Saturday night after the Pro checkers flew and we finished up with the final podium interviews, I sign off and step away from the podium so that the teams can take their photos. For some reason I walked up the banking on to the edge of the track to see the groomers and ops team waste no time at tearing down the track. It’s pretty peaceful after a long race weekend. A vivid image popped into my head of Dad that day in the hospital telling all of the nurses and visitors about his little girl on tv. Man, I love him. I hope I did him proud this weekend.
Up next on the docket was Dubuque. We visited the local fairgrounds which was an all-new venue for the circuit. The track shaped up to be one of the best tracks of the season. I hope we get to go back next year!
After Saturday night’s racing concluded I had embarked on the five hour drive north to Mom’s house for a day. If you know me, you know I will drive through the night only for a few extra hours in my own bed. It was nice to be home for 36 hours before the FXR 2021 Fashion Show in Bloomington, MN. It was wicked cool to once again get an inside peek at the upcoming year’s lineup of snow, casual and moto gear. More to come on this! I can’t wait to show you a few of my favorites and photos from the show and catalogue.
After the show, Jeff Fischer, the crew and I shot a few new Sledhead 24/7 episodes.
You can read all about my visit to Canada for the GPSV here.
The Empire State & 2020 Season Comes To A Close
At this point in the season, I’m starting to get wore out. Of course, that’s self-inflicted. By this point, I have been on the road since Mid-January and the only off weekend I’ve had so far was a trip to Florida with my girl Jackie which was AMAZING. But nonetheless, travel will still wear you out. I am pretty eager for some down time at this point.
It was a fun weekend. It started with the usual; Jackie and I recording a couple Minne Moto Show podcasts from the MMS mobile studios (aka our AirBnB of the weekend) followed by a weekend of racing. Little did I know, this would be the our last event of the season.
Just a few weeks later during the Michigan national, we got word that the event was cancelled due to the state mandate limiting events to 250 or less. Subsequently, Lake Geneva was cancelled shortly thereafter and points champions were crowned. As saddened as I am to see the season cut short like this, I also appreciate Carl, JD, Miranda and the team putting safety first amid such a wild scenario. Fingers crossed that this passes soon!
*deep exhale* Wow. I can’t believe another season has come and gone. That’s as cliche as it gets, but a lot has happened since November. Part of me is relieved this one is behind me. I’m optimistic about 2021. Hopefully a few less tears shed. This season really re-centered my focus and reminded me of what’s most important: your passions and your family. I’ve never been more ok with keeping it that simple.
I struggled. I still struggle. I grew. I was shown grace when I didn’t feel whole. God is in charge and helping me navigate the new norm. All in all, I’m thankful.
What’s up next for me? Back to dirt: professionally and personally. I’ll spend my weekends on the road, at the races or on set. I’ll spend the weekdays ripping the ole buck-and-a-quarter YZ with my people and playing lacrosse with Indy United.
Haydays will be here before we know it and I’ll be back on the snowmobile and snowbike grind. Until then, I hope to see you around.
-HP
P.S. BIG congrats to Megan Brodeur, Jesse Kirchmeyer, Elias Ishoel and Francis Pelletier – our ISOC Pro Champions. As well, to every rider I had the pleasure of working with once again this year. I wish we could all celebrate in person!
